[engine whirring]
-[Shruti] Shit. [in Hindi] Stop. -[Arya in English] Shit.
-Sorry, baby. -[Arya] Sorry.
-So sorry. -[Arya] Sorry.
Are you sure you want me to come?
-Of course. Who's going without you? -This ticket even has your name on it.
-Come. -Come on.
[Arya] Guys, time for our travel ritual.
Okay. One, two, three.
Right.
-[Shruti speaking indistinctly] -[sighs]
This will never change.
No sexy stepmother will ever be able to stop this.
[comical music playing]
[cell phone chimes]
[upbeat music playing]
[Arya] Hey, you know, we might be the first Indians to celebrate our divorce
and throw a decoupling party.
-[Rohini] Mm-hmm. -[Shruti] You must tweet about it.
[indistinct radio chatter]
[suspenseful music playing]
Done? Happy?
At least get him out now.
The reception is right here.
Okay, come. Let's go.
-Let me help you, Lara. -Thank you.
Why don't we head to the pool and order some drinks.
-What do you say? -[girls giggling]
They went to pick him up from the airport.
There's a way you look at Agni.
It's like how an Indian cab driver looks at boobs.
[Arya] Am I that obvious?
You can be like him. You're free. Now there's only fun left in your life.
[valet] Sir!
-Sir! Come fast, sir! Sir! -[mumbling]
[in Hindi] What's happening here? No one checked properly at the gate?
Come here!
[Arya in English] Boss, relax.
[in Hindi] Imagine what a boring job they have.
To check thousands of cars everyday, completely in auto mode.
First to greet, then open the trunk, close the trunk, greet again. Isn't it?
But this is what their real job is.
No. Do you know what their real job is?
When terrorists attack, they'll be the first ones being shot
so the rich people like us can hide.
-[in English] Let's go. -[Mayank] Let's go.
[cell phone chimes]
-Hello, ma'am. -Welcome, ma'am.
No, thank you.
-[woman] Welcome, sir. -Hi.
[horn honking]
-What's he doing here? -So I forgot to tell you.
Um, our future lovers are gonna be spending a lot of time in the car,
so I figured he should be on board.
Welcome, sir.
-[in Hindi] No. -[in Hindi] Take.
[in English] Nice.
Welcome drink?
-The spa's open, right? -Yeah. Yes, ma'am.
What do you think they put in this?
[Shruti in Hindi] You guys are here.
Did you get your room keys?
Arya's parents aren't coming?
[sighs] We haven't told them, Mom.
You know they're the conservative type. They won't understand it.
Yes, only stupid people attend
the decoupling parties of their own children.
[in English] Dad.
Oh, hi, Uncle. Hi, Auntie. How are you? So nice to see you.
-We have to go, yeah? We just-- -[in Hindi] I'll be back, Mom.
[in English] What happened?
-He's here. -Who?
-Your meat. -What?
[clicks tongue] Sandy. Gigolo Sandy?
Oh, but you didn't tell me.
[sighs] I knew you'd throw a fuss about it.
It's my treat.
The first two hours are on me and then it's on you.
I don't want this.
-Oh, you… you want this. -Nope.
[guitar instrumental music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
I think the validity of marriage should be that of diesel cars.
Ten years max.
Because after all, marriage is an obsolete cage.
Men can never be happy in it.
Sure it's a cage, but it's a…
It's a cage in a deep, dark, dangerous forest.
You can escape the cage, but will you survive?
[bird squawking]
Yeah, but it interferes with the basic purpose.
What is your purpose?
-To get laid all the time. -How?
As Mahatma Gandhi would say, "Find purpose. The means will follow."
-There you go. -Oh, you can never escape sex.
In this life, you can never escape sex.
This is destiny.
Who would have thought that Fly India Air would put up their staff in this resort?
[Arya] Masha?
Excuse me, boys.
-[Shruti] Nice. Uh… -[Jwala] Hmm.
Very nice.
But…
-Jean is coming. -Who's Jean?
Mr. Lee.
[gasps]
-He's coming here? -Yes.
-To meet you? -Yes.
For… [scatting]
Hmm. Well, that's fine. Jean is coming.
Well, you can enjoy some starters.
Some kimchi.
Why? Why would I do that?
I mean, a tech billionaire is flying in his private jet
to meet me in the presidential suite.
Why would I bother with a gigolo?
Think of it like a massage. That's it.
You don't have to go all the way.
[huffs] You're a girl. You can't say no to a massage.
[inhales deeply]
-Sir, your room is ready. -[grunts] All right, thank you.
Excuse me. Can I have some coffee, please?
-Are you stalking me now? -No, I was stalking her.
-Go away. -Hey, listen, I'm sorry. Okay.
I know you have reasons to be angry with me.
I was a jerk, but please can you hear me out?
So, uh, I figured out why I was being really weird in the hotel room.
I was trying to sabotage my chances
because I don't think I was ready to have an affair, but now I am.
-You are? -Yeah.
You gave me a gold chain. This may come as a surprise to you,
but no man has ever done that for me before.
These young fuckers don't do that?
No. It was a lovely thing to do
and then you fucked it all up by opening your mouth.
Say something.
I do well when I keep my mouth shut.
What are you doing here? Family?
Rohini and Shruti?
You remember their names?
Where's your wife?
Right there.
-Uh, not the auntie in the brown dress. -[indistinct chatter]
That's purple, Uncle.
-What the hell are you talking about? -Sandy…
Your wife's a beautiful woman.
Don't come behind me.
Ma'am, your rooms are ready. Sorry for the delay.
-It's okay. Thanks. -Thank you.
-What's your room number? -7119.
So Sandy in 7119 in an hour.
So be ready.
-Let's go. -Yeah.
-[cell phone chimes] -Call Sandy.
[Jwala] Sandy.
Sorry, Sandy.
[Arya] Sorry, guys.
[cell phone chimes]
-You guys will have to excuse me. -What…
One can never escape sex.
[guitar music playing]
[in Hindi] Um, where is Rohini?
Rohini has an archery class.
-Class here too? -[in English] Yeah.
-You're going somewhere? -Yeah, Dad.
I was just going to take a printout.
Printout? Even I don't take printouts.
I'm a little old school.
Oh, yeah?
[in Hindi] Getting a printout in that dress?
[in English] Okay, Mom, Dad, I'm getting late.
-Okay, bye. -Bye.
[in Hindi] Hey! Why didn't you let the door close?
I need to pee.
So we have a bathroom in our room.
First we'll take the elevator, then walk half a kilometer.
By the time we get there you'll need to pee too,
and you'll fight with me to go first.
[in English] Forget it!
[in Hindi] Shruti doesn't like men using her bathroom.
She doesn't even allow Arya.
Arya is a different issue. He is a stupid guy.
[sighs]
Wipe the seat when you're done.
This queen has had a separate bathroom since the age of 13.
"You'll make it dirty, Papa. You'll make it dirty."
Why will I make it dirty? What are bathrooms for anyway?
[amusing instrumental music playing]
-[doorbell chimes] -Shruti.
[racy music playing on speaker]
[in English] Clients are getting older.
Uh, I think you--
Thank you.
Okay.
[Surinder urinating]
[in Hindi] Is this a free service provided by the resort?
[chuckles, in English] Yes, ma'am.
-[toilet flushes] -[exhales sharply]
[moaning softly]
[Madhu moaning]
Wow. Too good.
Thank you.
[both screaming]
What's wrong with you?!
[in Hindi] And who the hell are you?
-Do you know who I am? -[in English] Sorry! Sir, I was called!
-[Surinder in Hindi] Stop! -[in English] Sir.
-Hey, you come back here! -Sorry, sir! Sorry! I was called!
[grunts]
[in Hindi] Sisterfucker!
-[man 1] Hello, ma'am. -[man 2] Good evening, ma'am.
[Shruti] I'm sorry.
[man 1] Ma'am, sir is here.
On TV. Over there.
[woman in Korean over TV] Sir, did you call for a hooker?
Shut up, that's your future boss.
[woman] Really sorry, sir.
[in English] Hi, Shruti.
You're looking good.
Sorry I couldn't physically be there today.
Private jet issues.
Couldn't you catch a regular flight?
[laughter]
What do you want from me?
I'm starting my own hedge fund.
I'm in need of your expertise. I want you to lead the team.
You'll be based in London.
Wait, so you basically want me to drop everything here and move?
Let me help you make this an easy decision.
Here, ma'am. That's for you.
This is your annual compensation. Not including bonus.
And you'll have a flat facing Hyde Park.
Give it some thought.
[woman breathing heavily]
[woman moaning in pleasure]
I now know how a woman feels when she really has an orgasm.
[chuckles]
Stay back in Goa.
With my wife?
[clicks tongue] With me.
Okay. And, uh, what do we do?
Well, there's a cruise to Andamans.
Hey, I thought you were terrified of water.
I am.
But… I also love what I'm terrified of.
Mm-hmm?
Let's go.
Shall we?
[romantic music playing]
[Caribbean music playing]
[Masha moans]
Arya! [voice echoing]
[romantic music playing]
[Masha moans]
[moaning continues]
Masha! [voice echoing]
-Hey, Masha, I gotta go. -Hmm? What's the hurry?
-Shruti and I are throwing a party. -A party for what?
-[cell phone ringing] -[scoffs]
Long story.
[indistinct chatter]
[instruments tuning]
Peter. Hey, Peter.
-Peter, huh? -Every Goan's name is not Peter.
Mario?
How do you know my name?
[in Hindi] Play "Munni Badnaam Hui."
[playing upbeat music]
[in English] Nice! Sound.
[volume increases]
So how was it with…
[mimics airplane engine roaring]
Uh, I don't kiss and tell.
Ooh. What, that serious?
What, official girlfriend?
Just don't make it official tonight. Cheers.
[both] Cheers.
Why?
-I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. -You didn't. Of course… [exhales]
You do realize that if you take this offer,
you can never sleep with him.
I know.
He'll be your boss. You're not a boss-fucker. [groans]
A woman must really think.
Is it worth letting go of tight Lee for a job--
I'm accepting the offer.
You'll move to London?
-Yes. -With Rohini?
Obviously. I need to do this for her.
Guys. You know what?
That Mayank guy's been staring at me all evening.
Well, he's probably casting for his next dystopian film.
Oh.
[in Hindi] I've been calling for ages, still no service at this table.
-Is there anyone there?! -[in English] Yes, sir?
[in Hindi] When will you take my order and when will you serve?
She is famished. At least bring two soups.
-[in English] Sir, it's a buffet service. -[in Hindi] So we won't get food?
If the waiters of this hotel can stand and gossip,
why can't they serve soup at the table?
-[in English] I'm really sorry, sir. -I hope so!
-Hey. -Yes, sir?
Don't you think that Indians are really rude to waiters?
We're pretty much used to it, sir.
Yeah, but don't you think you want to take revenge sometimes?
-But what can we do? -Oh, you can do a lot. Come here.
[whispering indistinctly]
Hello, Uncle. Hello, Auntie.
Are you gay?
No, Uncle.
I have never seen your wife. Are you sure you're married?
I'm sure, Uncle. I've got a wedding album also.
Then tell me what went wrong with Shruti and Arya.
They seemed so happy to me.
The only clue, I think, is they had one child.
Most shaky marriages are one-child marriages.
[in Hindi] You have two children, your marriage must be fantastic.
Is it not?
[in English] What I'm trying to say is that, take China.
-China didn't need-- -Uh, sir.
Your soup will be ready in five minutes.
[Mayank] Thank you.
-China didn't need communism… -[in Hindi] Right.
…for its one-child policy--
[in English] Extremely sorry for the delay, sir.
Right, thank you. Yeah, you were saying.
-What was I saying? -China?
China… No, it was more important. Something… No, I've forgotten now!
Attention. Attention.
I don't know when next all of us will be together.
Uh, probably Rohini's wedding.
-[laughter] -Yay.
So let's do something together.
Let's piece together the history of their marriage.
The good stuff. So who wants to go first?
Okay, it doesn't have to be only good stuff.
Okay, let me start.
-[Shruti] You? -Obviously.
So I remember when I fell in love
with this beautiful, elegant woman many years ago.
I was shocked and surprised
about how I kept thinking about her all the time.
In fact, uh, I gave her a name.
"RK Laxman's Common Man."
You know, she was in every frame of my life.
[groans softly]
-[Bhumika] Oh, so sweet. -Hear, hear.
-[woman 1] Cheers. -[woman 2] Cheers.
[Surinder] Cheers.
-I just wish they fucked more. -[Jwala sputters]
-[in Hindi] Hey-- -[in English] Shruti's parents are here.
Come on. You can't know the history of a marriage
without knowing the sexual history of the marriage.
How can there be intimacy when the man doesn't know how to touch the woman?
The problem with Shruti and Arya
is they let their tensions interfere with their sex life.
-Yes. Yeah. -Yes.
[laughter]
[Arya] Right.
Uh, what was the joke?
No, I don't joke.
[Arya] Come sit with us. Come.
-[Jwala] Hey, Mayank. How about you? -Hmm?
I think their marriage was good. As good as any marriage can get.
I sometimes wonder if they overreacted.
The human brain
is programmed to remember trauma more deeply than happiness.
So most marriages might be happier than couples remember.
Well, that was a nice history of their marriage.
[Ganesh] No.
No, this is not a history of the marriage.
I will tell you the history of the marriage.
[in Hindi] The back seat is a very interesting thing. It is like a stage.
Whatever is performed there,
the driver can see it all through the rearview.
In the beginning, they had a Ford Ikon. Sir and madam broke its armrest.
[faint laughter]
They didn't want anything between them. Not even that tiny armrest.
At times, madam put her head on sir's lap.
At times, sir did that. [chuckles]
They were fully busy kissing each other.
Then chatting, lots of chatting.
After a few years, the chatting reduced, fighting increased.
[sentimental music playing]
After a few more years, the chatting further reduced,
fighting further increased.
Abusing each other. Crying. Intense fighting.
And then suddenly one day the armrest was back again.
And they became quiet.
Completely quiet.
No fighting, no drama, no chatting.
[in English] Silence. Only silence.
[in Hindi] Fighting means the marriage is still driving.
Silence means the marriage has stopped.
[Jwala] I guess we can move on to the decoupling ceremony now.
-[Surinder] There's a ceremony after this? -[Shruti] Dad.
Come on, I planned this.
I sent an email.
-Please come. -[man] Nobody wants to read the emails.
There's an itinerary, just follow it, damn it!
Shruti, do you want to end this marriage with Arya?
Yes, I do.
Arya, do you want to end this marriage with your wife, Shruti?
I do too.
Arya and Shruti, you may remove your rings and fling them.
[sentimental music playing]
You look sad.
I'm not going to say, "Don't be sad."
I know you don't say stupid stuff like that.
[breathing heavily]
Hmm?
I feel like I don't know my mama and papa anymore.
They make sense only together, right?
You know I used to be married once?
-Really? -Hmm.
And whenever my wife would confuse me,
I used to look at her from far.
I think all men should observe their wives from a distance.
Children too should look at their parents from a distance.
Why?
'Cause then you can see that they're not giants.
And then you will see things that you have never seen before.
[lively music playing]
Now you be good.
[mellow music playing]
[inaudible]
[mellow music swells]
So what did you say this is for?
I mean, who's really interested in listening to a separating couple
-talking about marriage? -[chuckles]
-Everyone. -Please.
-All right. Rolling. -[sighs and clears throat]
Shruti, Arya, tell me,
how do you feel about each other now that the decoupling party is over?
Um…
Well, I like her very much. Very, very much, you know?
-I know what you mean. -Yeah.
And, uh, for a long time now we've been living like friends.
Uh, there's no sex.
-And, uh, what does-- -I mean, it's okay.
You don't have to tell people everything.
No, what I was getting to was that we were pretending to live like friends.
Because I don't believe that married couples can be friends.
In fact, right now, what we have, this doesn't feel like marriage.
This feels more like we're buddies.
So right now we're like friends forever.
Co-parents.
-Yeah. Excuse me. -[cell phone ringing]
-Arya. -Sorry.
[in Hindi] Oh.
[in English] Hi, Arya.
Chetan Bhagat FaceTiming me? We're not that close.
Busy?
-Yeah, I was just doing a piece to camera. -Oh, really? I don't see any fancy lights.
Must be one of those low-budget affairs.
But listen, I'm FaceTiming you because I wanted to see your face
when you answer the question I'm going to ask you.
Why?
I can tell when a person is lying. I can read faces.
Well, at least you can read something. Where are you?
-London. -What?
They let you into that country after all that you do to English?
Hmm.
Netflix is buying my latest.
Well, congratulations.
Arya, listen. When we met in the loo,
you said you're talking to them about something.
Did that deal happen?
-Why? -How much are they paying you?
-Why? -Just as a reference figure, man.
See, Chetan is ten times Arya,
so I need to know how much they were giving you.
-Why do you want to feel bad, huh? -Just tell me the figure.
Oh, Shruti!
-Hi, Shruti. -Uh, how do you know my name?
I was an investment banker, no? Same field as yours.
Before all this best-selling author of India stuff happened.
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
[Chetan] In fact, we have a huge circle of common friends.
-Is it? -Yeah.
I even know about the offer that Mr. Lee has given you.
You're moving to London with your daughter.
Good move, by the way.
and it's gonna be amazing for your daughter.
London has amazing schools. They have great parks.
And of course, career-wise, all the deals are happening in London now.
Arya, you'll probably tag along too, right?
Whatever little work you do, you could do it from London.
Arya?
You can hear me, right?
Arya?
[upbeat dramatic music playing]